Notes From Beyond The Pale: Born to Adorn

For some reason the bustle keeps popping up in my head. I keep thinking, “But how did a bustle-wearing woman sit down?” (I must not have much to worry about.) I think you might smile at what bustles historically used to be called: “bum rolls” or “cork rumps.” Bustles were made out of pounds of padding or crinoline or wire framing, and by the 18th century the bustle reached enormous proportions. You probably have a suspicion—and you would be correct—that the bustle’s raison d’être was to to accentuate the size and shape of the female buttocks. As if we need increasing in the area of our badunkadunk.

When you think of fashion, you have to cringe at times. Oh why can’t we all just run around in togas like the Romans did for centuries? Regarding fashion— just off the cuff—I’m thinking of the flamboyant Zoot Suit, the Wasp Waist (to enhance the breast and hips and crush your ribs and internal organs), those platform heels women fall from and break their ankles, the waistless, flat-chested flapper dress that women bound their breasts for in order to achieve a boyish look (ouch!). There’s spaghetti straps and shoulder pads and PeterPan collars and neckties (what are those for?), and currently you see those crop tops and the male fashion of wearing pants riding so low the butt is exposed like a smiley face lying sideways. (When I see this, I have to fight the compulsive urge to rush up and pull those damn pants all the way down. Why go half-way?) Now it’s summer and you’ll see, hefting themselves around in the stores, enormously pregnant women—bless their hearts—in halter tops, their burgeoning breasts like bowsprits. Protruding over shorts so scant they are almost imperceptible, their bare bellies hang out like ball turrets on B-24’s.  (And yes, years of religious schooling has helped make me a prig, but basically my judgmental character comes from being just an old, snarky person.)

All of this fashion stuff can make you think we humans are a shallow bunch. But it is innate in the human to desire to adorn himself. My adornment “thing” is earrings. But when I was a young girl in Pawtucket, RI, in the 50’s, Catholics were not supposed to pierce their ears—something to do with needing to have our body all of apiece at the Resurrection. (This scriptural exegesis may have been true only in Pawtucket, RI.) So now I overcompensate. I must own 50 pairs of bijoux ear ornaments.

We adorn ourselves to express ourselves, to signal social status, to “fit in,” for spiritual significance (the clerical collar), for political identity (the MAGA hat), and profession (cops uniforms, robbers’ ski masks). And, of course, we adorn ourselves to attract a sexual partner—except for me because of my being an 85 y.o. snark.

Appearance matters. Our appearance attracts other people…or puts them off. Our appearance determines how we are treated, whether or not we get the job, if we’re allowed into certain high-end restaurants, if our mother-in-law is happy to introduce us or if she’s cringing because our hair looks like seaweed and our shirt has buttons missing where our plums are. But one of the best reasons for looking good is that it enhances our self esteem. And all this adornment has to do with the idea of beauty—and we all know beauty has to be with the beholder. “Behold the sparkle of that woman’s mega diamond ring,” I am always beholding.

In my dreams—my real dreams, as when I’m asleep and dreaming—I often dream I am an animal. Not a big one, something fuzzy and about the size of a fox. You know, four legs, furry, no shoes, no toga. An animal gets up in the morning, and there he is. Dressed for the prom already. I hope, in my next life, I can be an animal. As long as I can wear earrings. And no bustle.

NOTE:  I did not bring up the ways humans have physically adorned their bodies. The bustle was, at least, not flesh deep. But consider: breast augmentation, nose jobs, chin implants, liposuction, botox lips, the current Japanese practice of Blepharoplasty (surgery to make the eyes look more roundly Western). And then, in other cultures, there’s head flattening (the Chinookan tribes along the Columbia River do this), the Dinka Tribe’s removal of their canine teeth, the decorative plug in the lips of the folks of the Mursi Tribe, the cicatrization or scarification produced by incision or burning the skin in decorative patterns among the Maori, the stretching of necks by means of coiled brass neck rings among the women of Myanmar, and oh God, the gruesome foot binding of Chinese woman in the name of beauty. (Look up how this is done, and you will not smile for a week.)

Thus we embellish ourselves. Adornment is instinctive. Just assure yourself that if your pants hang low, you can still get into heaven in one piece.