Throughout the ages, people have tried to describe love in many ways. One of my favorite quotes is from David Frost, a journalist and British talk show host, who brought the world his insights through interviews and his own observations. His interviews were an attempt to understand controversial subjects and create dialogue rather than debate. He once said, “Love is staying up all night with a very sick child – or a healthy adult.” These words cover the spectrum of situations from sacrificing ones needs to willingly being in the company of another. Poems, quotes, and songs have described love as something more than a warm feeling for someone or something. It is an act. While hearing the words “I love you” is important to many, others prefer that you show them your affection.
Close relationships require commitment to acts of respect, loyalty, and devotion. It doesn’t matter if you are part of a family, a team, a community, or a country. Those who were raised in a religious tradition have been taught that God is love. The first commandment in Deuteronomy 6:5 states: “Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.” Why do we do this? We do this because God has done things for us as our Creator, Sustainer, and Redeemer. He has shown his love in making us in his Divine Image to give us worth. Therefore, we are valuable because we exist. God provided for us and all his people throughout the ages. Biblical history and the whole of civilization show the acts of generosity from the Holy One, from feeding a wandering people in the desert, providing natural resources for our use, and knowledge so we can make discoveries that benefit humankind. Our loving God has often saved us from harm, from our foibles, our sins, mistakes and errors through the intervention of a warning or a well-timed interruption that kept us from going someplace dangerous. Think of the people who survived the attack on the Twin Towers on 9/11 because their alarms clocks didn’t go off in time, their child got sick or there was traffic that kept them away from the area before the plane crashed into the first building. We still have a reason to believe in God’s love for us. The first commandment to love God wholeheartedly is then complemented by the teaching of Jesus in the Gospel of Matthew (22:39) to “love your neighbor as yourself.”
Once again, we are required by the scriptures to “love your neighbor… as you love yourself.” People who have had difficult or traumatic childhoods find this hard to bridge. If they were neglected, abused, or devalued, they may internalize the critiques and not like themselves or their neighbor. They tend to feel angry, afraid, or hesitant to show love or receive it. They may not even be able to recognize it. To do that, they must heal themselves first.
How can wounded souls heal from the injury inflicted upon them? There are many ways to find wholeness, but we must want to overcome the pain that distracts and debilitates us. We must have enough courage to reach out to the Holy and other trusted individuals. We must believe in our inherent goodness as a child of God. This is a leap of faith for many who have been told harsh and inaccurate things about who they are and what they will or won’t achieve. Still, believing in yourself is every bit as important as believing in God or your Higher Power – whatever you call your deity. If you believe in God, then you must believe in yourself. This is key to moving forward.
Next is learning to forgive parents, other people and ourselves. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting about the damage done to you or absolving the person of their fault. It means not allowing the hurt, betrayal, or omission to define the rest of your life. I know all too well how I’ve allowed anger towards a person who hurt me to drag me down and undermine my efforts. We want to retaliate and seek “justice”, but sometimes what we are seeking looks more like revenge. However, demanding “an eye for an eye or a tooth for a tooth makes the world blind and toothless.” Some attribute that quote to Ghandhi, but sources cannot agree on its origin. Still, history has shown us that our desire to settle the score only creates a vicious cycle of hate and resolves nothing.
The way we move forward is to accept what has happened. Even if we were given some sort of redress or justice, it would not bring back what was lost. So, we must allow ourselves time to grieve for what was lost (a person, a treasured object, a job, our standing in the community – whatever), and then determine to move forward. We must resolve not to be fixated on our victimhood. The moment we do that; we empower ourselves and do not allow others to control our destiny. We take back our agency and seek help from God in a new way.
When we turn to God as our healer, perhaps savior and our partner, we begin to open our hearts to the presence and power of God’s creation. The spirit of the Holy One can reside in our hearts and minds once we open them to the Creator’s goodness and wisdom. When I can walk around my neighborhood, I am grateful that I can see the beauty of simple things like trees, flowers and birds. The beauty of those things makes my heart glad that I can see them and have access to them right outside my door. The joy I find in nature prompts me to thank God for the gift of his love that has preserved me through the night and has allowed me to see another day. Then I ask myself, “How can I show God’s love today?” When I choose to lead with love, I am more fearless and more faithful. I look for ways to practice love throughout the day with my husband, with my patients, and with those people who are a challenge to love. If my efforts are rejected, then I don’t waste time feeling rebuffed anymore. I look for others who need my love, and pray that I find them before the end of my shift, before the end of my day, and someday, before the end of my life. I may not always get it right, but I want to show loving acts in a more forthright and courageous way.
The Dalai Lama once said, “My religion is love.” He is a spiritual leader, a teacher, and an advocate for his people in Tibet. He also engages in environmental activism and speaks out for human rights from a Buddhist perspective. We can also find ways to understand love and show it to others no matter where we live. May we learn the lessons that have nurtured and preserved us so we can live with love.
