As I look back on my life, I realize that an ever-present God was always with me. But in my fear and pre-occupation, I was not always aware of it. I was so focused on being busy and showing results that I didn’t stop and listen. Listening is an important part of communicating. Listening is not just physical hearing, but giving one’s full attention to the person in front of us. It also means taking notice of the world around us.
There’s a Proverb (3:5-6) that says, “5Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; 6 In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths.” In my journey to California, I gave acting the good old “college try.” What transpired was a lot of rejection and the closing of many doors. This was very discouraging. The only good thing that came from my attempts to be an actress was meeting my husband, Chris, at a community theater. Even though we barely knew each other, we built a partnership that has lasted 44 years with all the ups and downs of a marriage. We both made many mistakes, and we both also gave it our all and that is why we have endured.
The second person I met was a godly woman I worked with as I was transitioning from pursuing acting to finding my next role. Her name was Mary. She noticed my anger and disappointment with life. Mary openly shared her beliefs about Jesus in a way that was sincere and caring. I knew she wanted to introduce me to Jesus, but I had seen some aggressive and exploitative “spiritual recruitment” when I was living in Texas. I asked her how she could accept some of the bigoted and narrow-minded attitudes of many Christians. Since Mary was black, she understood my concerns as a minority. She admitted that this was hard at times, but she could not control how other people reacted to her. She could only do her part to live in a way that honored God. This made sense to me. So, Mary led me in a prayer that asked Jesus to come into my heart. It was simple and life changing. Soon I determined to learn about the bible, Jesus, and the church. For me, actively seeking a new plan and a purpose for my life helped me to bounce back from the setbacks I encountered. This ability to adapt to changes is resilience. Resilience requires optimism that is more than a positive outlook. I believe it requires faith in God and faith in oneself as you grapple with the next steps on your path.
As I continued to read the bible and look for a church that would help me grow spiritually and emotionally, I began to feel the pull to do more for God. I wondered if he could use me to help others. I very much wanted to learn, but wasn’t sure what to do next so I spoke to a kind pastor who was willing to help me apply to seminaries and bible colleges. I applied to a seminary nearby and was accepted. It was exciting and scary because I had to learn how to write for an academic setting. I almost flunked out the first quarter, which made me very anxious. Then I found someone at another church I was attending who had a tutoring business that focused on adults. I told him what happened and he was very sympathetic. He had a tutor who was a seminary graduate that was perfect for me. She helped me navigate the library and taught me techniques for organizing papers and then sermons. Writing gradually became easier, but it took a while.
I also became involved in student government. This was something new for me, but it was a way that I could learn how to lead. The first position I held for two years as an M. Div. Representative. The President of our Class appointed me to sit on the Curriculum Review Committee. Through that experience, I learned how meetings were run and how decisions were made in a corporate setting. Then I tested myself by getting the courage to run for Class President. I wasn’t sure if I would get the votes because I was very low key in my office, but I won by a landslide, so I thanked God for this victory.
The hardest thing was finding a denomination that was supportive of women in ministry and not elitist in its treatment of minorities. This was not easy, but the pastor of an inner-city church in Hollywood was willing to sponsor me and helped me get through the ordination process, which involved writing papers, internships, and meetings. I spent time working at churches and a hospital that had a large Hispanic population. Seeing immigrants who were sick and vulnerable helped me draw from my experiences of pain and grief, as I attended to them quite effectively. I began to acknowledge and slowly embrace the way I was made, and how I could provide something of value to them and to the church.
However, I needed to become certified as a chaplain if I wished to even be interviewed by a hospital in the future, so I went through the process of clinical pastoral education (CPE). I discovered some things about myself, human nature, bureaucracy and how God can override all those things to help me find my path when I listen to him and use my resources well. I had to face committees to prove my fitness for the role. Some experiences were affirming and others felt like fraternity hazing in that some members were difficult to engage, some would try to bait the candidate, and others were hostile. Still, I managed to keep my composure because I wanted to serve God.
Being a pastor or a chaplain isn’t easy. I have found that you go where God sends you – sometimes with your family kicking and screaming “Why do we have to go there?!!” But God eventually helps to convince them to go with you. I have attended to people with HIV/AIDS, served churches in small towns and rural areas, done home hospice visitation and hospital chaplaincy. Each place had special people who found a place in my heart. There were also those who were a literal thorn in my side. It takes all kinds to make a world.
With each experience, I have learned that God continues to be present to us when we seek his wisdom in our lives and are engaged with others. When we serve others with focus and loving intention, we understand the world better and are open to self-discovery. When we wholeheartedly trust that God is guiding us, we are more aware of how our actions can reflect God’s goodness to others and help to shape our destiny for the better.
